Even though I set myself up for success I still manage to fumble the play. Write here three times a week. Hmm it's the 7th and the last time I wrote was the 1st. Tomorrow is a new day, I can start again right? Tomorrow is always a new day and each day is supposed to bring with it a chance to start fresh. How I want to believe that. I need to believe that.
I'm a coward. It's true. I have always been afraid of money. Always, just ask my ex, the things I did with money to avoid using it to do what needed to be done, oh I'm sure there is a ring in hell devoted to those like me. It undoubtedly contains endless phone calls from demanding bill collectors and the constant fear that the house of cards will collapse on me.
I'm back in that place now. Medical bills from my experience in June. I've avoided them, haven't even opened them because how in the hell am I going to pay for it? I make peanuts, almost literally peanuts, and there just isn't anything left to pay for all this. Which is bad enough. Then tack on the stress of remembering how all those bills came out. How horrible and rude they all were, how much of a second class citizen I was made to feel like. All touchy feeley quotes aside, people can make you feel like you are less than nothing. Having those in the medical field do it, when you are in need of their help is salting wounds. So I'm angry every time I get one of those bills I am angry and frustrated and scared and overwhelmed. They don't teach you how to deal with any of this. Like I feel like someone dropped the ball and screwed up but is it worth trying to sue them? Do I have a case? Do I even want to bother or do I just want to shut up and try to figure out how to pay the bills so I can put it all behind me? If I decide to talk to a lawyer and they say yup you've got a case, then what? Do I really want to remember it all, and have to share it all over again? I try to make it seem like it was a life affirming experience but let's be honest, I died. My heart stopped and they had to thump my chest to get me back. Do I want to tell a room full of strangers (what's different about spilling it on the net? well I don't think I have a massive following and those that are possibly reading, they are/were friends so...) but a room full of strangers who are judging me, deciding if I'm telling the truth, did the doctors really screw up? Maybe I was just difficult and asking the impossible?
So, tomorrow I have to pull on my big girl panties and do things I've never done, tried to set up ways to pay bills. And I'll cry and it'll be ugly and depressing and awful because it means I'm paying them for the privilege of still being alive. God I just want to hide and make it all go away. This is how I handle most things in my life though. Hide or run away. Now the definition of insanity is doing the same thing the same way over and over again but expecting a different outcome. So I know that what I've been doing my whole life isn't working but I seem incapable of changing it. And I don't understand why. Who do I talk to that can explain to me why I do this? In the past few months I would have turned to a friend but that is no longer an option. It's time I learned to stand on my own feet, and I don't know if I can and I don't know how. How can I be 40 and not know how to do these things?
My mental talk isn't helping, all I keep thinking is I don't know how. Which defeats before I even start, I know. I will learn. This too I shall survive. Dammit I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to thrive. I want to have a life and feel like I'm living it. Instead of this weird shell life I've created. How? How do I begin? How do I make strangers understand why I've avoided dealing with all this crap? How can I make people care and show compassion when it's not their job and they hear other people's sob stories all day long? How do I dig out of this hole? How do I move forward? Why I am I stuck here? Where are all the answers?
Who do I even ask for answers from?
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