Being a chatter

I describe myself as a chatter.  Well to those that I get to know, usually I make the statement in a slightly shamed hushed voice.  Being a chatter isn't all that well thought of, is it?  If you are a chatter you know this, people make assumptions and other random, often thoughtless comments.  So I've learned to be cautious about my confession.

Lately though, I've been rethinking this whole chatter thing, it's not enjoyable anymore.  I can't remember the last time I had a great time-  No that's not true, I've had a couple good times chatting recently, times that leave me wanting more, and that wanting more is where the fun stops.

Recently I've had the humbling experience of being turned down by someone who anyone could have. Wait--I bet you're thinking, so everything I've heard about online chatters is true?  It's all about sex???  Sometimes.  Sometimes it's about a connection.  For me it's a connection.  I think I find one and then when I eagerly await the next experience I build it up and then finally the next encounter arrives and it's a huge let down.  Usually silence is what greets me.  I find myself wondering what the hell happened?  How did it go from being fun and stimulating to this ugly thing that leaves me feeling deflated and depressed, and angry.

So I realize I need to break my chat habit.  A few years ago over the summer I broke my habit, I watched movies every night.  During the school year it's harder though because I can't stay up to all hours watching movies.  I have to get ready for work the next morning so I can't stay up.  For a while I played World of Warcraft but I stopped that when a friend pointed out that playing those games did what for my future?  I mean what did it matter how much game gold I have or how many levels I'd mastered when there was always another level to attain or another quest that doesn't do anything to make my life better.  So I stopped that too, and now I'm thinking it would give me something to do at night but sadly with their last upgrade they don't support my OS.  And my OS can't be upgraded, Mac has phased out my MacBook so I have to upgrade.  I'd rather like to upgrade Mac's are crazy pricey though aren't they?  Worth it though, I love my Mac and I will get another one, maybe with my tax return.

Oh and I get to get a divorce with my tax return.  I think that might be a really good thing, Bug's Dad is seeing someone else again, I think and probably would like to be free of me.  Bug needs glasses, I need shoes.  I need a better paying job but I like what I do.  And what I do makes a difference.  I maybe need to learn to be a better money manager.  I was talking to Bug about this, about my fear of money and how I had to deal with all those medical bills and it has made me a shaky scared mess.  However I did it.  I thought I would feel so much better about it, like I'd conquered something truly horrible.  So far I don't, I just feel scared and helpless.  I don't know how to take back my power.  I think that because as I read that I realized it sounds like I'm a victim.  I'm not a victim.  I just don't have all the tools I need.  I have to learn the tools to teach them to Bug because he will need the tools, probably more than myself.

So back to that chat habit and the breaking of it.  I could spend the night writing, but I'm easily distracted and find myself popping open the chat window, lurking about, seeing the one who opted out, being reminded of what a complete sexual void I am.  ~nose wrinkles~ see not good feelings, should be easy to avoid it.  Just gotta remember this feeling whenever I'm tempted to open a window.  try to remember that if he wanted to talk to me, he would.  I've got two of those in my life right now.  And then there is the one who does want me but for whatever reason he makes my skin crawl and I can't be with him.  The other day I almost messaged him and said fine, we can be.  I'm glad I didn't, it would have been a huge mistake.  He makes me feel unclean and I lose all respect for myself when I give in to him.  Clearly not a healthy situation.  Yet another reason to avoid chat.  Several good reasons to avoid it and no real good reasons to be there.  Logic says there ya go.  Should be simple.  Just remember this, over and over again.

So what do I need to remember?  If they wanted to talk to you, they would and logic says there is no point in being a chatter when it's not fun.