Getting stronger...?

I wrote an email today, it was sad and lonely.  I typed out everything I wanted to say, then I hit discard. Yes it was hard, I wanted to share my feelings with you but I stopped.  Of course you, if you are the you that is reading this, might smirk and say, you are telling me now, so in the end you shared.  Yup, but this is a passive way, never once have you ever commented on this blog so I am safe, you won't respond and I will say whatever I need to say and it'll be like you don't even know it, right?  Circular logic I'm sure, I'm afraid when I read this later I'll be so confused I'll just laugh and hit delete.  If not, well I am, if nothing else, open.  Vulnerable.  Exposed.

Amazing because I make myself vulnerable by exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings.  It's a heady experience, for me, I can only imagine what it must be like to meet someone like me.  In a world so shuttered, there I am dancing naked with the curtains open.  I breath of fresh air?  Unexpected?  They all sound so lovely, so flattering.  If there were true I'd think myself rather spectacular.

Yesterday my co worker said I am very motivating.  Like I should be some sorta motivational speaker because I have a way of saying what needs to be heard.  I said yeah, except if anyone looked at my life they'd never listen to a word outta my mouth.  My life is such a mess.  But I know what to tell someone else.  I suppose the next step is to take all of my problems and tell myself what I'd tell someone else who came to me for advice.  I actually think that's pretty incredible advice right there.  hahaha look at me delighting myself at every turn.

Deception Pass as seen from West Beach overlook

We went to the beach again this morning.  It was not nearly as cold as I thought it would be, thankfully not much of a breeze at all.  I had nothing but questions whirling around in my head.  I don't understand why men in life are exactly like the game players online.  I don't get it.  I kept asking the sea, where are you?  Why aren't you here?  I remembered a show I'd seen years ago, Providence I think, but it's been forever so I could be wrong.  I might research this to verify the fact later, right now I just want to get this down.  So the show, they kept a bell in one of the kitchen drawers and they would ring it each time their heart had been broken.  Supposedly it was the bell of true love, and only your true love could hear it, and each time it was rung, he'd move a little closer to you, until finally at last he would find you, after all that heartache and loneliness he would be there to make you understand why it had all happened.  It was such a beautiful thought, with Bug coming up on middle school I'm thinking I should get a bell.  We already missed the first broken heart though.  Hmm can it really be considered a broken heart if after a few weeks apart they are together again?  and they were friends the whole time they were 'apart'.  Aww to be in sixth grade again.  I'd rather eat glass.  Brutal mean girls and lying little boys.

Anyway, I wish I had a bell.  For me, surely he must be right here somewhere, right?  How strong must I be?  So walking the beach this morning I kept praying for a sign, something.  Give me the answers, tell me I shouldn't give up hope, that there is someone out there, he's waiting for me, just as I'm waiting for him.  But I've got to keep moving, I can't stop and wait I have to live life, and he will come into my world when I have reached him.  Because he's moving too.  It's something of a miracle that people find each other in this world.  I want that miracle.  I got to thinking how is Bug going to learn what a good healthy relationship looks like if I don't have one?   We model, just like the self esteem thing.  How can I show him what love looks like, romantic love that is?  I thought about placing an ad somewhere, though I have no idea where.  I went, with great determination, to fetlife, good god what a bunch of wankers!  Seriously has it been completely overrun by net players?  Depressing because collar me is worse.  Where the hell does a woman like me find a man that fits?

We found this bell one day, but I wouldn't let Bug keep it.  Not the kinda bell I need either.

Back to the beach, and my questions that I bombarded the sea with, I kept praying, show me something, something unusual, something so odd that I'll know it's a sign and realize I'm on the right path.  I can't say if I got my sign or not, I'm still so unsure.  I will take pictures and post what I did find. Though I could say that Bug, who almost never finds sea glass was finding it left and right.  He told me I was looking in the wrong place for glass, because he didn't think I was finding any, I was, just not green like he kept finding.  When I explained that I was looking toward the sea because I'd only just arrived and was asking the questions so my answers would be coming in with the tide and he said that's silly mom.  The sea is timeless, it knew you would be here asking these questions today, so it tossed your answers all over the beach, you need only walk along to see them.  Sometimes I am just in awe of him.  This was sorta one of those times.  Though I held firm, happy to let him find the big green pieces while I meandered slowly, searching for the beautiful glimmer of glass beckoned me.

I found all of this on the beach this morning!  Pretty big haul with some really interesting finds.

Close up of the possible wrist bone, shell and heart shaped sea glass.

As I said I will take pictures and post 'em, cause I did find some pretty interesting things, including what I believe is a human wrist bone.  Tsunami victim?  No idea how to confirm my thought though.  Found a really cool piece of driftwood too, several pieces of pottery, lots of sea glass and some really amazing rocks.  Yeah pictures are in order.

How much do I love that Matchbox Twenty song, Overjoyed?  I can't even tell you.

"Overjoyed"

Feeling my hands start shaking
Hearing your voice I'm overjoyed
I'm sorry but i have no choice
You're only getting better

Maybe you have your reasons
Maybe you're scared you'll be let down
Are you crying when there's no one around
Then maybe

Maybe if you hold me baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

The smile on your face like summer
The way that your hand keeps touching mine
Let me be the one that make it right
And maybe

Maybe let me hold you baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

And if you want, we'll share this life
Anytime you need a friend I'm gonna be by your side
When nobody understands you
Well, I do

So maybe let me hold you baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets God only knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

Baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed

Well, I will be overjoyed
Well, I will be overjoyed

Yup I love that song.  And I am reminded that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.  Not a very cheery thought is it?

Beautiful isn't it?  Not a picture from today but I love the mood I managed to capture with this.  Cold fog coming in fast.