Merry Christmas

Been something of a crappy week, or zillion I guess.  Tonight (early this morning) I am moved to post something unusual, songs.

So without further ado, Merry Christmas...

"Wish You Were Here"

[Verse 1:]
I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you
It's not like that at all
There's a girl
That gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walked through it

[Pre-Chorus:]
And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[Chorus:]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

[Verse 2:]
I love
The way you are
It's who I am
Don't have to try hard
We always say
Say it like it is
And the truth
Is that I really mi-I-iss

[Pre-Chorus:]
All those crazy things you said (things you said)
You left them running through my head (through my head)
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did (things we did)
Didn't think about it, just went with it (went with it)
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[Chorus:]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

[Bridge:]
No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go

(Let go, oh, oh)

No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go

(Let go let go let go let go let go let go let go)

[Chorus:]
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here (I wish you were here)
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn (Damn)
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here (Here)
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

"Catch My Breath"

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, karma comes around
I will spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now
It's all so simple now

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

(Catch my breath)

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
(Catch my breath)
Catch my breath (catch my breath), won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

"Wide Awake"

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

[Chorus]
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

"Easy"
(duet with Natasha Bedingfield)

We broke up
yeah, it's tough
most guys would've been crushed
Wastin' their time
Wonderin' where they went wrong
No way, not me
Hey, I'm doing just fine
I'm not afraid of movin' on

It's easy going out on a Friday night
Easy every time I see her out
I can smile, live it up
The way a single guy does
But what she, what she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy

[Natasha Bedingfield]
The truth is
That I miss lyin' in those arms of his
But I don't ever let it show
I laugh and I act like
I'm having the time of my life
as far as he knows

It's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Easy, everytime I see him out
I can smile, live it up
The way a single girl does
But, what he, what he don't know
is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy
Oh, it's easy

Oh, it's easy goin' out on a Friday night
Oh, it's easy every time I see him out
I can smile, live it up
Forget about the way it was
But what she
Oh, what he don't know
What she don't know
Is how hard it is to make it look so
Easy
Look so easy

"Try"

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Eh, eh, eh

Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy?
Even when it's not right

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by, by, by

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

You gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try

"Wanted"

You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you
Like everything that's green, girl I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty
(Yeah)
You get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup
And I wanna show you what I see tonight

When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
Never let you forget it
'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel -
Wanted
'Cause you'll always be wanted

Insensitive 

How do you cool your lips
After a summer's kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
Maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

Pathetic

pathetic |pəˈθetik|adjective1 arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness : she looked so pathetic that I bent down to comfort her. See note at moving .• informal miserably inadequate : his test scores in Chemistry were pathetic.2 archaic relating to the emotions.
When I was in elementary school I had a bully, well I had lots of them, but my first real one was several grades older than me and brutal.  All because I had offended her by wearing a button, does anyone else remember the early 80's when sticker shops were suddenly EVERYWHERE?  Usually in the sticker shop would be a machine that allowed you to create your own button.  So I had one that simply stated "I (heart) Bluebell"  because I loved my dog.  For whatever reason my bully, whose name I never knew, found this so poetic, ugly little girl loving her dog.  I was pathetic to her.  She would seek me out at recess every single day and tell me, over and over again 'You're pathetic, pathetic You are SO PATHETIC!"  I was maybe ten.  I'm 40 now and I still remember cowering, trying to avoid that mean little girl.  And to this day the word pathetic makes me shudder.
I told my mom about my bully and in typical mother fashion she brushed it off and said I bet that girl doesn't even know what pathetic means.  I knew even then that was a lie.  She knew what it meant she used it correctly, in her eyes I was miserably inadequate.  It is the word I use when I wish to make myself feel so small and so hopeless.
Why bring this clearly unpleasant memory to light?   Well the other night while happily pinteresting I stumbled upon a passage that got me thinking, and this afternoon suddenly those two thoughts came together.
“Imagine that you are creating a fabric of human destiny with the object of making men happy in the end, giving them peace and rest at last. Imagine that you are doing this but that it is essential and inevitable to torture to death only one tiny creature…in order to found that edifice on its unavenged tears. Would you consent to be the architect on those conditions? Tell me. Tell the truth.” Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov 
How do the two relate?  Well when I first read the quote I was struck by the concept of being the tiny creature.  What if that is what people are?  The tiny creatures having to endure hell on earth in order to provide another race happy lives?  Would it change how I viewed my life if I found out in the end that I had provided hundreds, maybe millions of people or whatevers, a happy life?  Would it make a difference to me knowing my life has been a series of intentional tortures?  Not just accidents or bad choices but actual intentional sadistic practice?  Would I feel it was all worth it then?  Further more would it even matter?  I was still the one thing suffering so others could know joy.  It's kinda like that awful book The Giver .  Not everyone dislikes this book of course, but I sure as heck do.  Mostly because I've no idea why pretend they had done anything other than die there at the end?  Death is described to us so many times in so many different ways but regardless of how it's told some things are the same, a feeling of warmth, that everything is going to be okay, peace, sometimes lights and music.  So when a book ends like that you know the characters died.  From my perspective of course.  Perhaps I am too jaded, too pessimistic to know that sometimes a bright light and singing means salvation. 
Perhaps I am still that pathetic little girl hiding from a mean older child.  Some of us wear the kick me sign and some of us read the sign.  I have always been the wearer, my mom wasn't.  I'm not sure where I learned that I wasn't enough, if I was born knowing it or if it was something I learned after each brush off?  Sometimes I wish I could follow the breadcrumbs and find my way back to the source so that I might eradicate it.  Especially now days when I look at my son and realize he too is a wearer of the sign.  I don't want him to have the life I've had.  To forever feel as if you aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, worthy enough.
How is confidence taught?  How is it learned?  Are some people just better at it?  Was there a line and I was busy in another part of the store to wait my turn for confidence?  Have I taught this victimization mentality to my son?  Is it too late to change it?  We have talked a lot about how children learn, my son and I.  Children learn a lot of things by modeling, they see it and they learn it.  If that's true then I did indeed do this to my son.  How do I undo it?  How do I teach him to be proud of who he is?  That he is enough, more than enough.  And that the only person who is more worthy of him is whomever he puts before himself.  Why have I put strangers before myself?
Following breadcrumbs...if we mimic what we see then perhaps my mom wasn't as confident as I thought she was.  Or maybe the source of her confidence is what I learned.  My mom always had a boyfriend when I was growing up.  She hated it being just me and her (proof that I wasn't enough, right?).  My mom was a very young mom, had me when she was 15, so, we kinda grew up together.  And she nearly always had a boyfriend, sometimes they lived with us, sometimes they overlapped, most times they never said goodbye to me when they left (further proof that I wasn't enough? not even important enough for a goodbye.)  So did I learn that men give you worth?  If they want you, then you're worth enough?  By that definition then me, who was always sure I wasn't enough, so I never developed the self esteem to see what I had to offer, and therefore hid in the shadows and watched from afar, too afraid to put myself out there to get a man...so me forever without boyfriends had no worth?
I never learned how to use sex as a weapon or as a power.  I always gave it fairly freely, though I didn't start giving until I was 18.  I woulda given a lot sooner if the object of my desire had desired me back.  I don't believe I have ever mistook sex for love, I know those are not the same thing, but I did mistake sex for attraction.  I think I had a total of three boyfriends before I was 18.  That's how awkward I was, no wait, four, I forgot one!   I digress, back to confidence and the teaching of it.
At school there is a woman, who has a child in the same grade as mine, in fact she is probably my age, the mother.  And we are as different as night and day.  She carries around with her an air of entitlement, while I am not.  Her daughter carries that air around with her as well.  Though I think it's actually and error not air.  The mother is a bitch, she has gone around me to get what she wants, bullied children and ridiculed them in front of their peers, thereby signaling that to other children that it is okay to bully this child.  Monkey See, Monkey Do.  I think her confidence is an ugly thing, because of it's size, but I envy it too, wanting just a small piece of that for myself.  So that I might pass it along to my son.  Confident men are sexy, I want my son to grow up with the confidence to attract a mate.
How is it taught?  How is it learned?  How do I acquire it for myself so that I may model it for my son?  Help?

To do before I die...

I've always had some form of a life list, seemed the thing to do, ya know, things to do before I die.  Then I did die and well I set about it with greater determination.  Things to do before I die it became this thing, that should be done sooner rather than later because later might not come.

I'm having a bit of trouble executing my bucket list items though, mostly because everyday life gets in the way and I let it.  It's funny how life does that, prevents you from seeing the big picture when every day is filled with so many details that must be attended to.  Well I don't want to get to the end (again) and not have done a few things.  Silly things really, I remember talking to someone about how one goes about living every day to the fullest?  How do I, who doesn't jump out of airplanes or desire to climb mountains, how do I live every day like tomorrow might not come?

I still haven't an answer, I honestly don't know and everyone around me is dealing with their own every day drama and bullshit, so distracted by it that the big picture is not even a thought at least once a day.  This is a problem for me, because I want to know the answer, I want to know how to step away from the moment and discover the divine.

For now I'll settle for the start of a life list that is visible to at least one person I feel accountable to. I should wander off on some conversational path about how odd it is to feel accountable to someone...but I want to do the life list thing so, life list it shall be.  I'll save that accountable thing for another day when I'm feeling like exposing my tender bits.

My holiday bucket list

• Make homemade marshmallows
• Make a fruitcake
• Knit a pair of socks
• Not wait to do all my wrapping until Christmas Eve at 10pm

Does anyone else suffer from a block whenever they sit down to write an important list like this?  Now I must let it slip from my mind so all my goals will return.  Or maybe it's just that I'm trying to keep all the errrrm kinky stuff off this list?

• Be truly grateful for what I receive 
• Finally read a Jane Austen book
• Bake all of the things I say I will bake
• Make those candies as gifts

So this just came into my head I have been working really hard on not being jealous of someone who appears to have a stronger writing talent than I do.  Or maybe what I should have said is, I'm finally getting old enough to understand that I should be proud and supportive of someone who is utilizing their talent.  And I remind myself that I'm a good writer, because I'm an honest writer who when focused can move a soul.  Or maybe just a cock....I digress.  I remind myself that while I'm good I've never really pushed myself, worked on bettering my craft.  So that is something I'd like to add to the bucket list, to make it not just holidays--

• Write daily, at least once a week respond to a random writing prompt

Perhaps by placing these few things up here where all can see I might actually get them done, at least a few, several are too late for this year.  

Looking back

Today I went to Walgreen's and picked up 229 photos.  Yeah I think this is the first time in about 7 years that I've held actual pictures in my hand.  Everything is digital.  Great idea, cuts down on clutter, and all that happy jazz.  Except I think today is the first time my son has held a picture.  He got to look back through events, vacations, moments in time.  He'd actually forgotten about some of them.  Which proved to me that taking pictures and saving them to my computer is not the same as taking pictures and sharing them.  Bug needs to see those pictures, to remember the things he's done and seen.

He's not the only one.  While looking through the pictures I found some from his 9th birthday.  The last cake I made him.  I discovered something, let's see if you can figure out what I figured out.  Take a look at the 9th birthday cake, and a few other cakes and tell me what you think.

Bug's 9th Birthday Cake

He was in love with dragons at this time

So I learned how to make and use modeling chocolate for the figures, sculpting skills required!

He was also crazy about playing in the water, and the book series Warriors
It's about feral cats.  Doesn't the dragon's eye glitter perfectly here?

Okay for this angle my dragon looks a little skinny but for a first try, I rocked it!

So there you have it, a dragon, a cat and a boy, pretty awesome 9th birthday cake.

Bug's 5th birthday cake, ends up looking like an inverted traffic light

The butterflies are made with melted chocolate, they looked awesome!  For Bug's kindergarten teacher, on her birthday.

Tinkerbell cake for a friend's daughter, on her 7th birthday.  At least I think it was her 7th.

So, what did you think?  For me I thought, OMG I'm actually pretty good at that cake decorating thing. I wonder how awesome I would have become if I had made more than like two cakes a year, max?!?!  I mean really, did you see, I was fearless when it came to cakes.  Right from the very start I was making those three tiered deals, I remember Bug's pervious birthdays I'd made a clifford the Big red dog, all white with melted chocolate clifford faces.  It was pretty awesome, that was Bug's 3rd birthday I think. His 4th was a jungle theme, bright green cake with jungle animals on it.

The first year was a complete failure, I tried to bake a caterpillar cake I'd seen in Martha Stewart.  It didn't come out right at all.  So I thought, fine a store bought cake for the first year, not what I wanted but better than no cake.  Well yes, except Bug's party was on Easter and in the midwest, back then, everything was closed.  We ended up getting this awful brownie pie thing from Bob Evans.  Don't get me wrong, the brownie thing tasted just fine.  It was the shame I felt, the looks I had to endure from my ex in laws.  Like I screwed up the most important thing on the planet...bad enough I decided to breast feed my child, worse that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but this, this cake thing, that was the final straw!  I still shudder thinking about that ill fated first birthday.  His second I made him a three d truck cake.  Well maybe that's what you'd call it, or a truck sculptured cake, maybe.  At any rate, cakes were were it's at.

Once we did his entire party as Christmas in March ~laughing~  His birthday party fell on April Fool's day that year.  For the treat bags we did stockings.  Had holiday yard ornaments as decorations.  Can't for the life of me remember what that cake was.

I'm wondering if perhaps this isn't a sign?  The past few days I have been freaking out, wondering what I'm going to do next year because I just don't see myself doing another year of this.  This working for peanuts and all the crap is just not seeming so very worth it anymore.  So is it a sign that a friend was telling me all about how she got 50 pictures printed out at Walgreens for only five bucks.  Or that I thought that's a great deal, I have some pictures that I'd like to print out, or that I'd look through all the pictures on my hard drive to see exactly which ones.  Or that I'd see all these cake pictures and be reminded of how much I loved it, and how good I was at it?  Chance?  Luck?  An answer?  I don't know but suddenly I'm taking a good hard look at my skill set and maybe things aren't nearly as hopeless as I was thinking they are.

I can write, at least a little bit, right?  And apparently I can decorate a cake, and I baked them too!  Whatever could one do with those skills?  Let us consider...

Oh and on a wonderful high note, Bug is now excited about getting the little potted indoor tree thing, he wanted to get it tonight but heading to walmart at 7 pm on a Sunday is just plan madness.  So we will go get the tree tomorrow after work.  I will let him pick it out.  In a sense we are hunting our tree, but this year we won't be tromping through the mud, laying in the mud as Bug cuts it down, carrying a dripping wet tree to the car, stuffing it in driving home with that wonderful smell filling us with another year of hope.  But we will hunt for it in a store, and carry it home.  I don't think they smell much so that'll be a bummer, but we will decorate it with popcorn and the few ornaments we've bought this year.  It'll be good, and I love my son.