Long over due

Introductions.

I am not rude, I'm just careless, or I don't realize that someone who doesn't know me might actually stumble onto this blog.  They might be curious about 'pink socks'.  What sort of name is that?

It's a good question, I created this Blogger account years ago, shortly after I left my husband.  For the year before that time and for a few years after that, I was obsessed with pink under things.  Panties, bras and yes, socks.  I read somewhere that pink is a color we are drawn to when we need to be spoiled.  Boy did I need to be spoiled then.  I felt it was the way to nurture that starting over me.  To give me something warm and cozy and utterly girlie, to remind me that somewhere out there someone loves me, even if it's only me.

I don't know what happened but in the past year I've stopped seeking out pink underthings.  I don't even blink when I grab the dull grey panties I find in my drawer, for the record, they aren't grey because of neglect they are grey by color choice.

So that's something to ponder, grey underthings?  I think that might be the most anti woman color out there, so what am I telling myself now days?  This has actually given me cause for thought.  Could also be that deeper thing I'm seeing everywhere these days.

I really enjoy personal growth, enlightenment and self discovery.  I like that epiphany moments that all I manage is an awed shake of the head.  But usually those moments come with the feeling of moving forward in life.  Lately I haven't been getting those feelings, I just feel stuck, like I'm growing but not moving.

I'm wondering if I took the steps forward before, when I thought I'd learned the lesson, so now when it's all sunk in, I have no movement available.  Borrowing from the future to pay the present.  Even in personal growth it's a dangerous move.

And we are back to introductions, I won't give my name, pink socks works for that, but a few things I can say about me, I'm 40, a single mom with a wonderful, amazing and often times trying 11 year old boy.  I instantly like anyone who says good things about him.  He's difficult to enjoy sometimes, but he is a great person and every day I am amazed and proud that I've done such a fine job raising him.  Go ME!  I live in a small town in northern Washington, which works out well since I work in that same small town.  I like long walks on the beach, bent over searching the sand for sea glass, shells and heart shaped rocks.  One day I'd like to own a small hobby farm, with a few La Mancha goats, chickens, geese, ducks, rabbits, maybe a horse (I would like to ride) and a huge garden/orchard.  I'm old school I guess, I'd like to learn to can and 'put food by' and I'm not ashamed to admit that one of the things on my life list is to make a pair of knitted socks.  Can't explain, just something I'd like to do.  I'm also single and haven't had sex in ohhhhh forever now, something crazy like six years.  Before that single event it had been at least a year.

Thing is, I like sex.  Highly sexed but terribly low self esteem.  Might go back to the personality assessment, being an individualist means I'm sure that on some fundamental level I'm broken, or damaged or just not right.  Whatever it is, I know that I've always been this way.  I used to be timid, hiding in the shadows.  About half way through my marriage I got tired of the shadows and wanted to be seen.  Like when I went into a store to buy something, it's so much nicer if the shop workers actually see you, and help you, instead of scanning over you.  Do people even know when they do that?  In less than a second they regulate someone to nothing status.  So I tried to change, to be seen, it didn't work as I thought it would, so I gave up and went to sleep for the last year of my marriage.

When I forced myself awake I thought the world was my oyster all I had to do was step into it and anything could be mine.  That was four years ago.  I remember stepping into the world for a few moments, it was cruel so I ran back to the safety of who I have always been.  Making sure I fit into the expected role I have always played.

Since June, I have worked to fight out of the mold, to become who I want to be, not who I have always been.  It's hard.  People don't want you to change, they are comfortable knowing what you will do, who you are.  Changing the rules, admitting that you might do something completely unexpected, no one wants that sort of change.  Because it requires them to change too.  They have to give up their expectations of you or lose you.  It would seem a no brainer, just change the expectations, but it doesn't work that way.  Change is funny like that.

My cousin, she has decided to lose weight, so she is doing it, she's lost some crazy amount of weight in the past six months, and she looks pretty good.  But I can tell, it's hard for her, we all expect something of her, that she continue to be an eater, to be loud and mouthy and fat.  She wants something different.  I have always admired her drive, she's always felt like she deserves the best, it's never entered her head that anything less is what she should have.  And so she gets the best, well I used to think so, now days I question this, I don't want some younger man that I'm a sugar momma to.  I don't want the unpredictable life she's got going.  I want stable and secure.  I want to know I'm firmly rooted so I can soar.

Reality doesn't work that way.  I can't wait for my roots to settle in, I've got to soar while I still can, life is short and you never know when you won't wake up.  Live now.

I want to live like that, and right after I got out of the hospital and started to realize what had happened to me and what I'd gone through I thought that is how I want to be.  Fearless, bold, amazing.  Something to behold.  Slowly, day by day, life creeps in and robs me of those feelings, the possibilities.  I don't know how to be those things.  I don't know what living a fearless life looks like.  With no frame of reference I'm flying blind and I'm not very good at going someplace I've never been, unless I have a map, and guideposts.

I met a guidepost.  An amazing person who is bold and fearless and grabs life by the balls and doesn't let go.  OOOOO how my heart did sing at the prospect of a teacher.  Not much seems to be rubbing off on me though.  I still don't know how to pull my life together, to move forward in a confident manner.  I don't know how to get what I want, or even where the path is.  I'm afraid to keep asking for help, being tethered to the ground is probably not what those that soar dream about.  Then again, maybe they do, because they know that every tether they remove adds one more beautiful bird in the sky.  Metaphors.  Right now we are teaching similes to our after school group, and I'm working with it in third grade.

I actually enjoy the teaching parts when we are able to do it.  Doesn't happen so often but I'm thrilled when it does happen.  I feel effective.  I had such a moment today, four of the students I work with will be replaced with four new ones.  My current students have now tested at a level that means they no longer need me!  Means I'm doing something right.  Not bad for one very lost woman.  Perhaps I'm finding my way, after all.

Holiday expectations

I am a masochist.  I know this because I have been torturing myself for the past few weeks.  How?  I'm watching the Hallmark channel as they countdown to Christmas.  Should be no big deal but in reality it is a HUGE deal, filled with quirky love stories and happily ever afters.  Expectations that can never be met.  People aren't really that open to life, are they?  I want to be, open to the universe and accepting of the lessons I'm meant to learn.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes I just shake my head and wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain.

Oh I want to learn to ballroom dance!  I have thought this off and on, and as I watch the current Hallmark movie yes I'd like to dance with someone.  Tango maybe, umm no that isn't on the show, just a thought that fluttered through my mind.

Back to the holiday, I have been pestering Bug for weeks to make his Christmas list, he still hasn't completed it, but I sat down this afternoon and made a list.  I have edited it a bit so that I don't embarrass myself too much, because this is my list of dreams.  I included things I've got no hope of getting, because I realize that just because I know I can't have them doesn't mean I can't ask for them, season of miracles?  ~laughing~  Expectations, to not get, I believe that fits under the expect the worst, not the expect the best which I am working so hard to cultivate.  None the less, without further ado, my 2012 wish list:

Lush Bath products-gift card might be best, but if purchasing, here are some suggestions: NEW! solid shampoo, Silky underwear dusting powder, Waylander Rhassoul soap

Camera-Nikon, Sony, DSLR, HD movie shooting

Passport-paid for

New MacBook Pro

Rothco Venturer Travel Portfolio Bag--$12 Amazon

Rothco Venturer Survivor Shoulder Bag--$16.80 Amazon

iPad

subscription to Hobby Farm Home

Charm bracelet with meaningful charms

home of our own, where we can make noise and keep a tree up for as long as we want, a place to paint and dream and dance and love in

a man to love who loves me, who encourages me and appreciates me, one who is attracted to me and expresses it, and is happy when I express such feelings, a man who can treat me like a princess and a whore, someone to bake for, to worship and grow with

a waffle maker, the kind that spins

kitchen aid mixer with attachments

gift card ideas-Hobby lobby, Michaels, AMC theaters, Trader Joes,

Something someone bought me because it was beautiful and thought it would be perfect for me, jewelry wise

happiness

great hair

Yoga dvd-Yoga for Beginners (2006) 8.99 at Amazon

Yoga Mat, belt, blocks

travel mug-Oh the places you’ll go 7.62 Amazon

FIN water bottle

Eileen West Fairy Tale Flannel Nightgown-Vermont Country Store

someones to send holiday goodies to

Books, well loved books suggested from people I respect and adore, surprise me with something that will curl my toes.

and don't even get me started on Stocking stuffers, I can think of billions of great things for stockings, life would be wonderful if I was put in charge of all the stockings.  I should propose such a thing, cause I could easily spend what I would spend on a gift on a stocking.  It was such a shock when I got married, to realize that not everyone does stockings.  My husband's family never did them, which is funny since my mother in law collected stockings.  Needless to say Christmas changed for me in the midwest.  All the joy and happiness I used to feel faded, I bought all the gifts, for everyone, my husband only even attempted Christmas gifts the first year of our marriage.  After that he just lost the heart for it I guess.  Perhaps holiday spirit goes hand in hand with everything else I ruined in him Yeah, I don't credit for all that anymore.  It took two to fall in love and it took two to fall out of love.

But like I was saying, stocking stuffers, to me that was always the best part of Christmas, getting up long before dawn to open my stocking.  I loved it!  Even when I grew up and my mom couldn't figure out what to put into my stocking, I still loved it, would still get up before dawn to peek at what she'd put in it.  Stockings hold the true magic of Christmas, the unexpected most thoughtful items can be found in a stocking. At least that is my belief.

On another note, Bug and I went to the movies this morning, we went to see Rise of the Guardians, it was awesome!  I get so much more out of movies and books and well a lot of things, since June.  In this case I learned that the core of Christmas is wonder, the core of Easter is hope, the core of Jack Frost is fun, the core of the Sandman is dreams, and the core of the Tooth fairy is memories.  It is a beautiful message.  I believe I shall have to read the books, and as soon as I saw they were by William Joyce I knew I would love them, for I adore most everything about his work!  So I am hoping to get the Guardians of Childhood series.  Maybe I should have added it to my Christmas list?  I can think of a million books I'd like to get, ones I can't find in Kindle version for myself, mostly because kid lit is not as available?  

How perfect is it that the Sandman, the one who knows all of your dreams, doesn't speak?  Isn't that as it should be?  Oh and Jude Law as Pitch Black?  Perfections, his voice just makes you want to comply.  Well it makes me want to comply in all sorts of ways.  He always does that to me, not his  physical self, just his voice, he's too perfect at the whole cultured cruel.  Welcome to my mental state.  Don't judge.

I have to try to convince Bug to get a small table top tree this year.  I dread this, because it was one of the last things we held onto.  Going out to hunt our tree is something we have done every year, except the year my ex had knee surgery.  My mom's husband is very particular about holidays and everything in between.  One year, two days after Christmas, Bug and I went out and when we came back the tree was taken down, completely, and the couple presents that we'd left under the tree were sitting in the middle of the floor, screaming out that this was our fault, if we had put the presents away the tree would have stayed longer.  I think that was our second year here.  Last year we brought a tree home but we never decorated it, didn't see the point, knowing it would just be yanked away from us before we were ready.  So now I think the best approach will be just to get something that is as unobtrusive as possible.  It saddens me, wondering what tradition I will let slip away next?  How do I maintain that which I thought was so important while accommodating  others? 

Small victories

Last weekend I taught a Creative Writing course to a bunch of teenagers.  Working with older kids was a new experience for me, and oddly enjoyable.  I realized if I treat them the same way I treat the kids I work with at school we got along great.  I hope I will always remember the look on the 'ring leader's' face when I called him a gentleman.  I was worried he'd complain but he actually warmed up to me, let me read a couple things he wrote during the exercises we did.

I kinda got roped into teaching this class, I never would have volunteered to do it on my own.  But the person in charge of setting up the workshops knew I fancy myself a writer and so taDa! Self Expression through creative writing was born.  I kinda forgot she'd mentioned it to me, thinking if I don't come out and say yes she'll forget about it.  Boy was I wrong, and it was something of an ugly wake up call when less than 14 days before the event I was reminded that I'd be teaching a class.  YIPE!

Just a few of the story stones

Thank god for Pinterest!  I'm addicted.  And I remembered seeing these things called story stones, painted rocks and thought, perfect!  Then I went and actually looked at story stones and that's when I realized not perfect.  They are intended to inspire creative play in young children, with pictures to fuel the imagination.  Not to be daunted I thought, what about words?  Words on rocks, pick three random rocks and write that story?  Brilliant!!!  So now I knew I needed rocks, and lots of them so that every kid through the class could select some story stones of their own, a set of ten to start.  Keep in mind, there is no budget for supplies for this class.  My plan is to forage for rocks at the beach, find enough perfect skipping stones to make my dream come true.  Yeah, that didn't work so well, rocks are heavy, and it's 'winter' here in the Pacific Northwest, so the beach is a chilling place.  We are not put off by cold though, Bug and I, we are often found on the beach in winter.  We have it mostly to ourselves, it's wonderful to feel mother nature all around us, and I do great thinking while I walk the miles of beach.  Sometimes we collect rocks, and always we look for sea glass.  Well okay not we, mostly me.  Bug enjoys finding usual things on the beach, toys, buoys, dead things, you name it he hopes to find it.

Drat! Back to story stones.  In the end I bought a bag of River Pebbles from Home Depot, I'm sad to report they weren't perfect skipping stones, but I made them work.  I spent hours and hours after work that week Modge Podging stickers to stones.  I also stamped words on some of them.  Turns out I could have stamped on all of them and the kids would have been happy.  The word rocks were the first to go that day.  Everyone loved the activity, which was wonderful for my ego.

Some with words, some with stickers

My other activity that day was done with paint swatch chips, the kind from the hardware store, pick two paint names and write a story that includes those names somehow.  I noticed that across the board this one was harder to do.  Paint names are goofy, this is my theory, and I share it because one of my students wrote "charisma is a weird name for paint."

In the end I had extra rocks to bring home, but then not all three of my sessions filled up, the middle one was pretty empty, except for a girl who had signed up, and one who stayed from the first session.

This is after my first group

My single request of all my students was that they weren't allowed to judge me based on what words I'd written together on the stones.  Each stamped word stone had a word on each side.  I tried hard to create unrelated word combos because I wanted the stones to be used in several ways.  So you pick up the words       spaceship        mourn          rainbow      what sort of story can be had with those?  Well supposing you don't want a sad story and so mourn doesn't work.  Okay fine, use the opposite of mourn.  I think the word on the back of the mourn stone was toast.  To me it's a comfort food but who knows what another mind might come up with.  My point was some of my stones were very beyond bipolar.  Well actually that wasn't my point, but it's a good side stop.  My point was they could use the opposite of the word or, follow a train of thought to get somewhere else.  Like spaceship.  Can't think of anything?  What about alien?  No?  How about undocumented citizen?  I love following words where they lead in my brain.  I realized they didn't all see those connections when I followed the spaceship thread in my brain.  They laughed like it was a huge stretch to get from a to c.  Oh well this is my brain and I like it.

I plan to make more of them, I think I will create a set for my cousin's 'daughter' for Christmas, from talking to her yesterday I learned she likes to write, and read!   Bonus points for me.  Great Journal, couple of snazzy pens, story stones, and a few books and that gift is done!

As another funny little aside, the bag of rocks I bought had a huge number of heart shaped stones in it, Bug and I called it the bag of love.  Goofy I know!

I think I will collect them all up and take a picture to post here.  Stay tuned for that fun!

Thanks for so much

Oh so many times I've thought I need to put this on my blog.  But being me I get distracted or figure, later, and of course later never comes.  Until now, later is now and so this might result in a rather large post.  If you enjoy my rambling then this is music to your eyes (ears?) and if you don't, what the heck are you doing here anyway?  Yeah!

On Tuesday, at school, my group of 4th graders had to do a Ladder Poem with the word Thanksgiving.  I always feel so inspired by the imposed rules of a Ladder Poem.  Start with a single word and every line add a new word, so by the end of Thanksgiving there needed to be a line that started with a G word that was 12 words long.  I decided to give it a whirl and am pretty happy with the outcome, for ya know 15 minutes of writing.  Before ya scream that my job isn't to write, it's to help them write, let me tell you, for the first time in nearly all the days I've been working with them, they all worked hard and got it (nearly) all done.  Why the nearly?  Well because I announced that I was going to turn my poem in with theirs so their teacher could see, maybe I'd get a gold star even!  Trouble was, they had used some of my lines, so they had to rewrite, using their own words!  In the end I didn't turn mine in, but theirs were better for my having worked along side them.  Without further ado, my Thanksgiving Ladder Poem...

T hanksgiving
H ome today
A lone?  Not today
N ow we bond together
K eeping family traditions alive, happily
S lices of turkey, ham and pie!
G iving thanks, sharing stories, eating tons today
I  love the sights and smells of Thanksgiving
V iscous gravy flows over potatoes, mixing with fruit salad
I nches gained?  No calories count this day, eat, Eat, EAT!
N ow we are all full, of food, of laughter, of love
G uests get sleepy, soon they will leave, taking left overs, leaving dishes.


So, yesterday was Thanksgiving, and it was a pretty darn good day all things considered.  Normally family makes me tense and I go into recluse mode, it's a challenge with a child but usually he's happy to be social while I be awkward.  Yesterday was different.  I did pretty much everything for the dinner, and we don't do small here.  This is evidenced from the pictures I took, don't judge, we are a little piggish for Thanksgiving!

Yeah it's kinda hard to get the full effect of it all, I should have explained that the table was covered with pre dinner munchies too, but ya know, those had to be cleared to make room for the feast.  So let me just put out there the run down, oh and because I love this whole sharing my life with the world thing, if I found the recipe online, I'll link to it.  Also because most of those things were really really good!

Thanksgiving 2012 Menu

Meat/cheese platter

Fruit platter

Cheddar Ranch Cheese Spread (OMG so GOOD!)

Pizza Dippers 

(I'm not going to post the site I found the idea on because I changed it so much it hardly matters.  What does need to be known is that I used store bought pizza crust, a jar of alfredo sauce, and oodles of cheese, baked it up and tada! everyone's new favorite snack food.  It was the only thing Bug ate, so go MOM!)

Turkey 

(the one thing I didn't prepare, but only because my Mom didn't know I was willing to roast the bird)

Ham

Yams

Fruit Salad

Ambrosia Salad

Waldorf Salad minus the nuts

Mashed Potatoes

Corn 

Green Beans

Rolls

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

(that is the red stuff in the pan large as life upper right of the photo)

Roasted Chestnut Stuffing

(I don't know if we aren't stuffing people or what but I'm the only one who tried this.  Very sad face)

Pineapple Casserole

(I think I made this wrong, it took way longer to cook then it should have and it was not enjoyable to eat.  I think I will try again at Christmas, smaller pan this time though)

Cheesy Smashed Cauliflower

(this is where I admit I'm not a Cauliflower fan, this was a requested item, so I might make it again at Christmas, but I will follow the directions and see if that will improve it.  I made it in the microwave and well, yeah, enough said.  Though my cousin, who requested it, said it was Fantastic!)

Pumpkin Pie

Cherry Pie

Apple Pie

Pumpkin Dip served with 'nilla wafters and cinnamon graham crackers

(My little, I guess he's my nephew, sorta, loved this stuff.  He's not very vocal but he would come stand beside me and I would say "another cracker?" and he would nod, then I'd ask "dip?" and he'd grin and nod, so I'd dip his cracker and hand it over.  Pure joy on a little boy face, it was AWESOME! oh and everyone who tried the dip loved it, except Bug, shocking, I know)

So that lays out the feast pretty well, like I said, we tend to get overly joyful with food.  And it was a great day of cooking and feeding the family, all except Bug, who was not feeling well.  Allergies making his throat hurt.  Sore throats make me so nervous now days.  I remember how fast I got sick and how quickly it all fell apart for me and I'm thinking, holy crap does he even have the right vocabulary to tell me if he feels like I did?  Oh and I had to make a run out to the store, the pumpkin pie I bought on the weekend decided it wanted to grow mold (major frowny face) and I needed to stop by the school to get a few extra chairs so we could accommodate all the extra butts at our house.  There were tons of left overs, but my cousin and her family took a whole bag of goodies home.

To be honest I'm very proud of myself.  This is the first Thanksgiving meal I've prepared by myself, and not only did I make it all (except that pesky turkey) but I cleaned the house before they came, and kept up on the dishes throughout the day so that there wasn't a HUGE mess to clean up after.  It still took a couple hours to get it all straightened up but I did it.  ME!  And it filled me with joy and happiness to be so homey.  Like getting back in touch with who I wanted to be and who I never became.  Sometimes life is funny.