Some days

Today was one of those days.  Not the awful ones.  Not a great one either.  It was just a day filled with minor downs and ups to balance things out.  By the end of the day I'd gotten a great deal done and was feeling like everything was gonna swing upward.

I believed this when I got home and my son wanted to talk with me about issues of an eleven year old boy.  Girls, puberty, telling a girl you think she's pretty, gift giving, bowling...the usual stuff.

However as I lay here at the end of the night I'm wondering if perhaps I shouldn't have been so happy with my day.  Now I'm annoyed at my cousin, frustrated at my son and stressed.  It's not the end of the world, it's just a bump.  I just wish the night hadn't ended with such a bump.

My cousin doesn't have children.  It's probably unfair of me to say that first, but as it plays into her life it bears mentioning.  She doesn't have children yet believes she has a right to voice her opinion on how I raise my child.  She once confessed to me that she was never going to have children because "she didn't want to do to them what her mom and done to her and her sister".  I knew this to be a very sane and noble thing to decide.  I have always respected her for it.  So she knows we maybe weren't brought up in the best manner.  Yet she will always revert to treating my child the way she was treated as a child.  And when I call her on this bullshit she says we grew up just fine.  If that was true we both wouldn't be living here.

At least that is how I see it.  I must be broken in some manner that I am unable to survive on my own.  I've had this thought a few times and it always leads to other self abuse.  So I won't stumble down that path tonight.  Undoubtedly I will put a pin in it to revisit another time.  Something to look forward to.

Back to tonight.  So tonight's issue was telling my son to go brush his teeth and get ready for bed.  She said let me, I say okay why not.  Yeah she took the opportunity to be bitch like to him.  He responded poorly, she escalated it, so then he did and then she did and I walked out and put an end to it.  Or so I thought.  But really no, while I was going to the bathroom she got back in his face saying bet you didn't clean the cat boxes yet.  Which of course he hadn't.  So that was exactly what she needed to go at him some more.  I come outta the bathroom she's storming to her room and he is in near tears.  Turns out she scratched his neck or something, I don't know I wasn't there.  I settled him down and he thought he'd ask her to do the boxes for him.  I said ask but expect her to say no.  So he gets halfway into the hall and she announces "NO!" so he storms back into the living room and throws himself down in the chair.  I put my stuff down and go out, tell him to get his teeth brushed now.  And I went to clean the cat boxes myself, mostly because I'm sure she did hurt him, not intentionally but it's how her mom treated her, so she thinks it's normal to do things.  For the record, she would never hit him, in anger like her mother hit her.  She just sometimes doesn't realize what she does...

So I go to do the boxes and she comes storming out telling me no, I won't do that for him.  I said oh yes I will, it's late and he needs to get to bed, I can do this it's not a huge deal.  So she gets pissed at me, telling me no wonder my child is spoiled because I give in to his whining.  Most times I'm good about giving in, but tonight I knew that wasn't it, I was really just doing the kid a favor.  I know parents work hard outside the home so kids should do chores.  Lately though I've been thinking the kid deserves a break now and again.  So I did the boxes, took all of 5 minutes and because I took those 5 minutes my cousin is seriously angry at me, my son is feeling guilty and I'm feeling upset.

My upset isn't because she's right, it's because she really believes she has a right to tell me how to raise my son.  I am floored by her belief that she is better at it than I am.  I'm not perfect, oh god no, not by a long shot, but I know I'm better than I think I am.  Which means I'm doing a pretty good job.  My son is 11, they whine, they grumble, they drag their feet in hopes another will get frustrated and do the thing before they have to.  But my son is also one of the most compassionate people I know.  And the wisest, and the sweetest, probably one of the smartest...well you get the idea, I'm something of a fan of his.

My point is, I must be doing something right.  A lot of something.  Which is another reason I'm annoyed with myself.  How dare I let my cousin who I already know wouldn't be a good mom, make me feel like I'm doing something wrong!  Seriously.

A night that started out fine is now filled with sadness at the loss of her company tonight.  I like spending time with her, when she's not all ranting.  And tonight she's all ranting.  So instead I wrote this.  Which satisfies my 20 minute writing goal.

And it's back to a high note!