I describe myself as a chatter. Well to those that I get to know, usually I make the statement in a slightly shamed hushed voice. Being a chatter isn't all that well thought of, is it? If you are a chatter you know this, people make assumptions and other random, often thoughtless comments. So I've learned to be cautious about my confession.
Lately though, I've been rethinking this whole chatter thing, it's not enjoyable anymore. I can't remember the last time I had a great time- No that's not true, I've had a couple good times chatting recently, times that leave me wanting more, and that wanting more is where the fun stops.
Recently I've had the humbling experience of being turned down by someone who anyone could have. Wait--I bet you're thinking, so everything I've heard about online chatters is true? It's all about sex??? Sometimes. Sometimes it's about a connection. For me it's a connection. I think I find one and then when I eagerly await the next experience I build it up and then finally the next encounter arrives and it's a huge let down. Usually silence is what greets me. I find myself wondering what the hell happened? How did it go from being fun and stimulating to this ugly thing that leaves me feeling deflated and depressed, and angry.
So I realize I need to break my chat habit. A few years ago over the summer I broke my habit, I watched movies every night. During the school year it's harder though because I can't stay up to all hours watching movies. I have to get ready for work the next morning so I can't stay up. For a while I played World of Warcraft but I stopped that when a friend pointed out that playing those games did what for my future? I mean what did it matter how much game gold I have or how many levels I'd mastered when there was always another level to attain or another quest that doesn't do anything to make my life better. So I stopped that too, and now I'm thinking it would give me something to do at night but sadly with their last upgrade they don't support my OS. And my OS can't be upgraded, Mac has phased out my MacBook so I have to upgrade. I'd rather like to upgrade Mac's are crazy pricey though aren't they? Worth it though, I love my Mac and I will get another one, maybe with my tax return.
Oh and I get to get a divorce with my tax return. I think that might be a really good thing, Bug's Dad is seeing someone else again, I think and probably would like to be free of me. Bug needs glasses, I need shoes. I need a better paying job but I like what I do. And what I do makes a difference. I maybe need to learn to be a better money manager. I was talking to Bug about this, about my fear of money and how I had to deal with all those medical bills and it has made me a shaky scared mess. However I did it. I thought I would feel so much better about it, like I'd conquered something truly horrible. So far I don't, I just feel scared and helpless. I don't know how to take back my power. I think that because as I read that I realized it sounds like I'm a victim. I'm not a victim. I just don't have all the tools I need. I have to learn the tools to teach them to Bug because he will need the tools, probably more than myself.
So back to that chat habit and the breaking of it. I could spend the night writing, but I'm easily distracted and find myself popping open the chat window, lurking about, seeing the one who opted out, being reminded of what a complete sexual void I am. ~nose wrinkles~ see not good feelings, should be easy to avoid it. Just gotta remember this feeling whenever I'm tempted to open a window. try to remember that if he wanted to talk to me, he would. I've got two of those in my life right now. And then there is the one who does want me but for whatever reason he makes my skin crawl and I can't be with him. The other day I almost messaged him and said fine, we can be. I'm glad I didn't, it would have been a huge mistake. He makes me feel unclean and I lose all respect for myself when I give in to him. Clearly not a healthy situation. Yet another reason to avoid chat. Several good reasons to avoid it and no real good reasons to be there. Logic says there ya go. Should be simple. Just remember this, over and over again.
So what do I need to remember? If they wanted to talk to you, they would and logic says there is no point in being a chatter when it's not fun.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Mom moments
I had one of those great mom moments today. My son who claims to be a pure carnivore ate a meal with no meat in it! Yes pick yourself up off the floor. I am so proud of him. He was even so thrilled with himself that he couldn't stop talking about it.
Bug doesn't eat very healthy, clearly, and it's become my goal to fix this. Veggies are such a sore spot that we've been known to break down crying over a spoonful of anything. So to have an entire meal with no meat, it was like the heavens opened up and shined down on me. We had Boca burgers, mashed potatoes, applesauce and lettuce. He ate every scrap on his plate. GO ME!! Oh and at lunch today he ate a fourth of a radish. He was proud of himself, said it felt good. I said yup, eating right does feel good. We might actually be able to pull this trick off!
I'm too tired to write a lot tonight, in fact the only reason I did post is because I wanted to remember this day, the day of the veggie dinner, forever.
Bug doesn't eat very healthy, clearly, and it's become my goal to fix this. Veggies are such a sore spot that we've been known to break down crying over a spoonful of anything. So to have an entire meal with no meat, it was like the heavens opened up and shined down on me. We had Boca burgers, mashed potatoes, applesauce and lettuce. He ate every scrap on his plate. GO ME!! Oh and at lunch today he ate a fourth of a radish. He was proud of himself, said it felt good. I said yup, eating right does feel good. We might actually be able to pull this trick off!
I'm too tired to write a lot tonight, in fact the only reason I did post is because I wanted to remember this day, the day of the veggie dinner, forever.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Productive or meet the four legged family
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| Not great but I love the action |
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| Great picture of Trouble(some) |
Trouble is sleeping in the room tonight, at least so far he is. I'm glad I miss Tummers and the way she used to sleep with me, usually right on my ass. Trouble hasn't been as affectionate as she was, but he's still a pretty darn great cat. He's young and growing into himself still. Every day he becomes a little more snuggle bug like.
I got the newest issue of Yoga Journal today mostly for the article about tight hip flexors, I know mine need some serious work. So I thought I'll dive right into it when I got home, well that was after I washed all the fruits and veggies I bought for the week, and boiled the dozen and a half eggs for my protein. I'm going to cut out wheat and cut way down on my carb intake. I feel better when I eat nuts and veggies so I figure I'll follow my body indicators and see where it takes us. Back to that new issue, well I still haven't read the bit about the hip flexors but I'm all over the one about Motivation and will power. It struck a few cords of truth while I was reading it. So much so that I'll read it again and use that as my next step in the development of me. Sometimes the things you need appear before you in such a way that you realize it was meant to happen. This article happens to be one of those things, I wasn't looking for it but it's exactly what I need at this moment in time.
I am loving the new camera, still, though it did take some doing to get all the software installed today. Lagged my Mac something fierce. Now it's done though and yay! All the pictures I've taken I can now bombard the net with. Or at least my small corner of it, and the few people who pop by to read me. I went back and added a few photos to previous posts, limoncello, odd beach finds, things like that, so be sure to repeek at those posts when you've got a minute. I'm trying to figure out how to show the images I'm most pleased with, without it becoming some sorta photo album thing. However I think a few are just gonna have to be flashed with no real context connection. Deal with it.
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| Bram (Brambleclaw) and Daisy Mae who is trying to get him dispense her favorite treat. Hazard a guess? |
This is Bram, Bug's first rabbit. Bram is a Tan, a Black Tan to be specific, isn't he beautiful? He's my beloved bunny man. I adore him and I think he loves me too. I think he's going to be four in May. Hard to believe. He doesn't show anymore, too old, if you can believe it. We bred him, once. Got some beautiful babies, I'll post some pics of them later I think. However our doe, Blue, isn't the best, she threw a black with some white hairs. Tans have no white on them so someone was playing fast and loose with the breeding to manage it. Aww well, no judgements. We got Bram, and his daughter Pip (Epiphany) and of course the doe and then there is Bug's fit and show bunny Blackstar. Or Shark as I like to call the little monster. He actually gave me a beautiful scar on my right index finger this last year. Not his fault, he got scared and I reached in to grab his food bowl. Big Mistake. HUGE! So I mostly forgive him for being an ass. Bug loves him and that's what really matters. I just wish he would act more like a Himalayan and less like a beast. I have some great pictures of him. Though he's no where near as beautiful as Bram.
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| A little fuzzy but you can see Shark and Bug and behind the computer screen over there is my mom. Just call her 'Wilson' like Tim the Tool Man Taylor's neighbor. All we ever see of her is her eyes over the top of her screen. |
Himi's are the only cylindrical breed of rabbit, they are shown posed all stretched out like a log. This is probably one of the better poses Shark as ever managed. Himi's are also known for their docile and affectionate personalities. Shark has always been a biter. He even attacked Bram on the show table his first fair. Bit the heck outta the base of Bram's ear. Shark is lucky it didn't scar, I'd have been so pissed if the $25 bunny ruined the $100 bunny's career! So Shark is evil, though he's slowly getting better. I believe he just turned three. We will never breed him because that biting thing is probably in his genes. For a while there I seriously thought about getting rid of him, sadly that would have meant death for no one wants a biting Himi. Bug loves him though so he stays. At last year's fair Blackstar won Bug a HUGE blue ribbon, for the cage decoration contest. We played up the shark aspect and decorated with foam fish and paper with under the sea print on it, even had a foam pirates hook with a little note that said yes when frightened or stressed I do bite so if you want to keep your fingers, keep them out of my cage! The judge loved it. I personally preferred the cage decor that Bug had for our Tans. Perhaps you noticed how they look a bit like Rottweilers? We put some white picket fence up at the front of the cages then hung Beware of Dog signs from them. I thought it was super cute and clever but it didn't win. That's okay it was the first time Bug had won cage decor. He was thrilled. Specially since Share got DQ'd from show because he had smut on his shoulder. Notice how he is all white except for his 'points'? Well they sometimes develop smut, which is off coloring on the white of their body and the standard states that it's a DQ if there is smut on a usable part of the pelt. It was a large area of his shoulder, so clearly usable. It has since molted out. Here's a fun fact, before the development of the Rex rabbits, Himis were the primary rabbit of the fur industry. It's a very soft coat, though Himis don't get very big, Blackstar is almost too heavy to show and he weighs about 4 pounds.
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| Pretty good picture of Shark--I mean Blackstar Bunny. |
Ya know I completely forgot to mention the other productive things I got done today, things like actually using the gift card my cousin got me for Christmas, I even used it on something for me. She was tickled and I LOVE my new purse, only cost me an additional four bucks so Right on! Also, speaking of using gift cards, we used Bug's gift card for Land's End, got him a pair of shoes, a messenger bag and a couple tee shirts, and that only cost me about twenty bucks more than the card. Pretty damn awesome. Well actually it probably cost something like $50 more than the card because the card was his new winter coat, which didn't fit. But while at GoodWill last weekend we stumbled upon a freaking awesome find. A leather bomber jacket, by Eddie Bauer! It was an incredible find at $30, Bug loves it! Sure it's a little big on him but he'll grow into it and it does look awesome on him. I shall have to get pictures, though I'll be editing out his face, y'all understand, I'm sure.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Getting stronger...?
I wrote an email today, it was sad and lonely. I typed out everything I wanted to say, then I hit discard. Yes it was hard, I wanted to share my feelings with you but I stopped. Of course you, if you are the you that is reading this, might smirk and say, you are telling me now, so in the end you shared. Yup, but this is a passive way, never once have you ever commented on this blog so I am safe, you won't respond and I will say whatever I need to say and it'll be like you don't even know it, right? Circular logic I'm sure, I'm afraid when I read this later I'll be so confused I'll just laugh and hit delete. If not, well I am, if nothing else, open. Vulnerable. Exposed.
Amazing because I make myself vulnerable by exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings. It's a heady experience, for me, I can only imagine what it must be like to meet someone like me. In a world so shuttered, there I am dancing naked with the curtains open. I breath of fresh air? Unexpected? They all sound so lovely, so flattering. If there were true I'd think myself rather spectacular.
Yesterday my co worker said I am very motivating. Like I should be some sorta motivational speaker because I have a way of saying what needs to be heard. I said yeah, except if anyone looked at my life they'd never listen to a word outta my mouth. My life is such a mess. But I know what to tell someone else. I suppose the next step is to take all of my problems and tell myself what I'd tell someone else who came to me for advice. I actually think that's pretty incredible advice right there. hahaha look at me delighting myself at every turn.
We went to the beach again this morning. It was not nearly as cold as I thought it would be, thankfully not much of a breeze at all. I had nothing but questions whirling around in my head. I don't understand why men in life are exactly like the game players online. I don't get it. I kept asking the sea, where are you? Why aren't you here? I remembered a show I'd seen years ago, Providence I think, but it's been forever so I could be wrong. I might research this to verify the fact later, right now I just want to get this down. So the show, they kept a bell in one of the kitchen drawers and they would ring it each time their heart had been broken. Supposedly it was the bell of true love, and only your true love could hear it, and each time it was rung, he'd move a little closer to you, until finally at last he would find you, after all that heartache and loneliness he would be there to make you understand why it had all happened. It was such a beautiful thought, with Bug coming up on middle school I'm thinking I should get a bell. We already missed the first broken heart though. Hmm can it really be considered a broken heart if after a few weeks apart they are together again? and they were friends the whole time they were 'apart'. Aww to be in sixth grade again. I'd rather eat glass. Brutal mean girls and lying little boys.
Anyway, I wish I had a bell. For me, surely he must be right here somewhere, right? How strong must I be? So walking the beach this morning I kept praying for a sign, something. Give me the answers, tell me I shouldn't give up hope, that there is someone out there, he's waiting for me, just as I'm waiting for him. But I've got to keep moving, I can't stop and wait I have to live life, and he will come into my world when I have reached him. Because he's moving too. It's something of a miracle that people find each other in this world. I want that miracle. I got to thinking how is Bug going to learn what a good healthy relationship looks like if I don't have one? We model, just like the self esteem thing. How can I show him what love looks like, romantic love that is? I thought about placing an ad somewhere, though I have no idea where. I went, with great determination, to fetlife, good god what a bunch of wankers! Seriously has it been completely overrun by net players? Depressing because collar me is worse. Where the hell does a woman like me find a man that fits?
Back to the beach, and my questions that I bombarded the sea with, I kept praying, show me something, something unusual, something so odd that I'll know it's a sign and realize I'm on the right path. I can't say if I got my sign or not, I'm still so unsure. I will take pictures and post what I did find. Though I could say that Bug, who almost never finds sea glass was finding it left and right. He told me I was looking in the wrong place for glass, because he didn't think I was finding any, I was, just not green like he kept finding. When I explained that I was looking toward the sea because I'd only just arrived and was asking the questions so my answers would be coming in with the tide and he said that's silly mom. The sea is timeless, it knew you would be here asking these questions today, so it tossed your answers all over the beach, you need only walk along to see them. Sometimes I am just in awe of him. This was sorta one of those times. Though I held firm, happy to let him find the big green pieces while I meandered slowly, searching for the beautiful glimmer of glass beckoned me.
As I said I will take pictures and post 'em, cause I did find some pretty interesting things, including what I believe is a human wrist bone. Tsunami victim? No idea how to confirm my thought though. Found a really cool piece of driftwood too, several pieces of pottery, lots of sea glass and some really amazing rocks. Yeah pictures are in order.
How much do I love that Matchbox Twenty song, Overjoyed? I can't even tell you.
Amazing because I make myself vulnerable by exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings. It's a heady experience, for me, I can only imagine what it must be like to meet someone like me. In a world so shuttered, there I am dancing naked with the curtains open. I breath of fresh air? Unexpected? They all sound so lovely, so flattering. If there were true I'd think myself rather spectacular.
Yesterday my co worker said I am very motivating. Like I should be some sorta motivational speaker because I have a way of saying what needs to be heard. I said yeah, except if anyone looked at my life they'd never listen to a word outta my mouth. My life is such a mess. But I know what to tell someone else. I suppose the next step is to take all of my problems and tell myself what I'd tell someone else who came to me for advice. I actually think that's pretty incredible advice right there. hahaha look at me delighting myself at every turn.
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| Deception Pass as seen from West Beach overlook |
Anyway, I wish I had a bell. For me, surely he must be right here somewhere, right? How strong must I be? So walking the beach this morning I kept praying for a sign, something. Give me the answers, tell me I shouldn't give up hope, that there is someone out there, he's waiting for me, just as I'm waiting for him. But I've got to keep moving, I can't stop and wait I have to live life, and he will come into my world when I have reached him. Because he's moving too. It's something of a miracle that people find each other in this world. I want that miracle. I got to thinking how is Bug going to learn what a good healthy relationship looks like if I don't have one? We model, just like the self esteem thing. How can I show him what love looks like, romantic love that is? I thought about placing an ad somewhere, though I have no idea where. I went, with great determination, to fetlife, good god what a bunch of wankers! Seriously has it been completely overrun by net players? Depressing because collar me is worse. Where the hell does a woman like me find a man that fits?
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| We found this bell one day, but I wouldn't let Bug keep it. Not the kinda bell I need either. |
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| I found all of this on the beach this morning! Pretty big haul with some really interesting finds. |
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| Close up of the possible wrist bone, shell and heart shaped sea glass. |
As I said I will take pictures and post 'em, cause I did find some pretty interesting things, including what I believe is a human wrist bone. Tsunami victim? No idea how to confirm my thought though. Found a really cool piece of driftwood too, several pieces of pottery, lots of sea glass and some really amazing rocks. Yeah pictures are in order.
How much do I love that Matchbox Twenty song, Overjoyed? I can't even tell you.
"Overjoyed"
Feeling my hands start shaking
Hearing your voice I'm overjoyed
I'm sorry but i have no choice
You're only getting better
Maybe you have your reasons
Maybe you're scared you'll be let down
Are you crying when there's no one around
Then maybe
Maybe if you hold me baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
The smile on your face like summer
The way that your hand keeps touching mine
Let me be the one that make it right
And maybe
Maybe let me hold you baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
And if you want, we'll share this life
Anytime you need a friend I'm gonna be by your side
When nobody understands you
Well, I do
So maybe let me hold you baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets God only knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
Baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
Well, I will be overjoyed
Well, I will be overjoyed
Hearing your voice I'm overjoyed
I'm sorry but i have no choice
You're only getting better
Maybe you have your reasons
Maybe you're scared you'll be let down
Are you crying when there's no one around
Then maybe
Maybe if you hold me baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
The smile on your face like summer
The way that your hand keeps touching mine
Let me be the one that make it right
And maybe
Maybe let me hold you baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
And if you want, we'll share this life
Anytime you need a friend I'm gonna be by your side
When nobody understands you
Well, I do
So maybe let me hold you baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets God only knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
Baby
Let me come over
I will tell you secrets nobody knows
I cannot overstate it
I will be overjoyed
Well, I will be overjoyed
Well, I will be overjoyed
Yup I love that song. And I am reminded that if you wanted to talk to me, you would. Not a very cheery thought is it?
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| Beautiful isn't it? Not a picture from today but I love the mood I managed to capture with this. Cold fog coming in fast. |
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Crossroads
I woke this morning at 5 30. Half an hour before the first alarm goes off the one I usually ignore unless I have things I need to do before dragging myself to work. Naturally as soon as my eyes opened that first time, my brain jumped to my tasks for the day. Dealing with the hospitals and possibly finding out it's too late and it's all been turned over to collection. And that was it, no chance for more sleep. As I sit and type right now, my stomach is threatening to crawl out of my throat. I hate this so much, I think I might actually be sick before the day is out. Emotional, stressed, wondering why the fuck am I still here? Wouldn't it have been better if I'd died? No bills to worry about. Except then I'd miss Bug. He'd miss me. Well actually I probably wouldn't miss him because I remember coming back and I didn't miss anyone, I wasn't sad, there was a feeling of utter peace. But he'd miss me and I wouldn't get to finish raising him. I wouldn't get to share his life. So yeah, better I'm still here. And it's only money right?
I read a quote somewhere, probably Pinterest, that said the more terrified you are of the action you must take the more it proves you have to take that step. No growth without struggle. I'm all about the struggle before the growth when it comes to personal development. I should think of money as personal development then I wouldn't be so afraid of it. I'd welcome the challenge. But it's more than just money this time. It's remembering what happened. I don't want to remember, I don't want to remember the moment when I couldn't breathe, watching my cousin freak out calling for help because I couldn't breathe, looking across the bed out into the reception area, seeing the doctor staring at me blankly, wondering what all the fuss was about. I will forever remember that blank look on his face before they all finally came rushing in to help me. I should have smiled and said see, told you fuckers I was really sick. Not just overweight.
Second class citizen. Marginalized because I look like the sort of person who enjoys being in the hospital? God I wish I knew what they had been thinking. Did they feel ashamed after my code? Did they realize they'd maybe missed something by making assumptions? Did they even give it a second thought or did they all sit around drinking beer at the end of their shift (I live in the sticks, I think even the doctors out here drink Bud) congratulating themselves on saving my life? A life that two days before had come in trying to tell them there was something very wrong with me. Two days before they could have found the problem and gotten it fixed up and I'd never have returned and died in their ER. Do they think of that? Because I do, all the damn time I think about the doctors on the first trip to the ER. I remember them giving me fluids and something to help me sleep and take away the pain. I remember telling the nurse who came by to see how I was doing that my throat still hurt, she calmly told me it wouldn't take away every pain. Seriously? I come in because my throat hurts and you give me something for the pain but it doesn't take care of the pain I came in for? Well pink socks that is just awful, why didn't you question it then? Because they are doctors and I just thought it would take some time to get better, they know how to take care of a person, right? My mom says I shouldn't be so upset by all that happened, because they saved my life. Sure they did. But I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't have gotten to that point if they had just listened and investigated further on my first trip to the ER. Been less concerned with assumptions about weight and actually done their jobs. Again pink socks, if it was so bad, why did you return to that same hospital a second time? Because they are the closest ER and as it happens on my second visit I was dying. When I walked through the door I was dying, when I waited for them to try to read the letter I'd written on my Mac, I was dying. As I listened to the dumb receptionist comment about my not having a regular doctor, I was dying. Every second I was there, it was closer to the snip of my thread. Until finally time ran out, that awful raspy wheezing sound that filled the room was me, sucking breath until my throat closed. Then the sound stopped. I remember the room going black, I thought they had given me something to relax me. It was only weeks later when I was told that nope that was me dying. Yeah no one, not even my cousin wanted to tell me that my heart stopped.
I have thought about this off and on since it happened. Why wouldn't my cousin tell me that? Wouldn't she want to know every gory detail of her experience, if I could provide that for her? Maybe not, but I wanted to know. I still do. There are so many things that happened that I don't know. I remember them cutting off my clothes, I remember the life giving suction nozzle that I kept ramming down my own throat, I could have caused permanent damage but I didn't care I just needed to breathe. I wonder at what point they finally saw the massive abscess and figured out it was Epiglottitis?
I read a quote somewhere, probably Pinterest, that said the more terrified you are of the action you must take the more it proves you have to take that step. No growth without struggle. I'm all about the struggle before the growth when it comes to personal development. I should think of money as personal development then I wouldn't be so afraid of it. I'd welcome the challenge. But it's more than just money this time. It's remembering what happened. I don't want to remember, I don't want to remember the moment when I couldn't breathe, watching my cousin freak out calling for help because I couldn't breathe, looking across the bed out into the reception area, seeing the doctor staring at me blankly, wondering what all the fuss was about. I will forever remember that blank look on his face before they all finally came rushing in to help me. I should have smiled and said see, told you fuckers I was really sick. Not just overweight.
Second class citizen. Marginalized because I look like the sort of person who enjoys being in the hospital? God I wish I knew what they had been thinking. Did they feel ashamed after my code? Did they realize they'd maybe missed something by making assumptions? Did they even give it a second thought or did they all sit around drinking beer at the end of their shift (I live in the sticks, I think even the doctors out here drink Bud) congratulating themselves on saving my life? A life that two days before had come in trying to tell them there was something very wrong with me. Two days before they could have found the problem and gotten it fixed up and I'd never have returned and died in their ER. Do they think of that? Because I do, all the damn time I think about the doctors on the first trip to the ER. I remember them giving me fluids and something to help me sleep and take away the pain. I remember telling the nurse who came by to see how I was doing that my throat still hurt, she calmly told me it wouldn't take away every pain. Seriously? I come in because my throat hurts and you give me something for the pain but it doesn't take care of the pain I came in for? Well pink socks that is just awful, why didn't you question it then? Because they are doctors and I just thought it would take some time to get better, they know how to take care of a person, right? My mom says I shouldn't be so upset by all that happened, because they saved my life. Sure they did. But I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't have gotten to that point if they had just listened and investigated further on my first trip to the ER. Been less concerned with assumptions about weight and actually done their jobs. Again pink socks, if it was so bad, why did you return to that same hospital a second time? Because they are the closest ER and as it happens on my second visit I was dying. When I walked through the door I was dying, when I waited for them to try to read the letter I'd written on my Mac, I was dying. As I listened to the dumb receptionist comment about my not having a regular doctor, I was dying. Every second I was there, it was closer to the snip of my thread. Until finally time ran out, that awful raspy wheezing sound that filled the room was me, sucking breath until my throat closed. Then the sound stopped. I remember the room going black, I thought they had given me something to relax me. It was only weeks later when I was told that nope that was me dying. Yeah no one, not even my cousin wanted to tell me that my heart stopped.
I have thought about this off and on since it happened. Why wouldn't my cousin tell me that? Wouldn't she want to know every gory detail of her experience, if I could provide that for her? Maybe not, but I wanted to know. I still do. There are so many things that happened that I don't know. I remember them cutting off my clothes, I remember the life giving suction nozzle that I kept ramming down my own throat, I could have caused permanent damage but I didn't care I just needed to breathe. I wonder at what point they finally saw the massive abscess and figured out it was Epiglottitis?
Well the second alarm has now gone off, twice so that means I can't hide any longer, I've got to get up and get ready for school, and calling these places to try to get this all taken care of. I wonder if my spazziness is maybe Post traumatic stress disorder? Not that it matters, right?
Monday, January 7, 2013
Gravity hurts
Even though I set myself up for success I still manage to fumble the play. Write here three times a week. Hmm it's the 7th and the last time I wrote was the 1st. Tomorrow is a new day, I can start again right? Tomorrow is always a new day and each day is supposed to bring with it a chance to start fresh. How I want to believe that. I need to believe that.
I'm a coward. It's true. I have always been afraid of money. Always, just ask my ex, the things I did with money to avoid using it to do what needed to be done, oh I'm sure there is a ring in hell devoted to those like me. It undoubtedly contains endless phone calls from demanding bill collectors and the constant fear that the house of cards will collapse on me.
I'm back in that place now. Medical bills from my experience in June. I've avoided them, haven't even opened them because how in the hell am I going to pay for it? I make peanuts, almost literally peanuts, and there just isn't anything left to pay for all this. Which is bad enough. Then tack on the stress of remembering how all those bills came out. How horrible and rude they all were, how much of a second class citizen I was made to feel like. All touchy feeley quotes aside, people can make you feel like you are less than nothing. Having those in the medical field do it, when you are in need of their help is salting wounds. So I'm angry every time I get one of those bills I am angry and frustrated and scared and overwhelmed. They don't teach you how to deal with any of this. Like I feel like someone dropped the ball and screwed up but is it worth trying to sue them? Do I have a case? Do I even want to bother or do I just want to shut up and try to figure out how to pay the bills so I can put it all behind me? If I decide to talk to a lawyer and they say yup you've got a case, then what? Do I really want to remember it all, and have to share it all over again? I try to make it seem like it was a life affirming experience but let's be honest, I died. My heart stopped and they had to thump my chest to get me back. Do I want to tell a room full of strangers (what's different about spilling it on the net? well I don't think I have a massive following and those that are possibly reading, they are/were friends so...) but a room full of strangers who are judging me, deciding if I'm telling the truth, did the doctors really screw up? Maybe I was just difficult and asking the impossible?
So, tomorrow I have to pull on my big girl panties and do things I've never done, tried to set up ways to pay bills. And I'll cry and it'll be ugly and depressing and awful because it means I'm paying them for the privilege of still being alive. God I just want to hide and make it all go away. This is how I handle most things in my life though. Hide or run away. Now the definition of insanity is doing the same thing the same way over and over again but expecting a different outcome. So I know that what I've been doing my whole life isn't working but I seem incapable of changing it. And I don't understand why. Who do I talk to that can explain to me why I do this? In the past few months I would have turned to a friend but that is no longer an option. It's time I learned to stand on my own feet, and I don't know if I can and I don't know how. How can I be 40 and not know how to do these things?
My mental talk isn't helping, all I keep thinking is I don't know how. Which defeats before I even start, I know. I will learn. This too I shall survive. Dammit I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to thrive. I want to have a life and feel like I'm living it. Instead of this weird shell life I've created. How? How do I begin? How do I make strangers understand why I've avoided dealing with all this crap? How can I make people care and show compassion when it's not their job and they hear other people's sob stories all day long? How do I dig out of this hole? How do I move forward? Why I am I stuck here? Where are all the answers?
Who do I even ask for answers from?
I'm a coward. It's true. I have always been afraid of money. Always, just ask my ex, the things I did with money to avoid using it to do what needed to be done, oh I'm sure there is a ring in hell devoted to those like me. It undoubtedly contains endless phone calls from demanding bill collectors and the constant fear that the house of cards will collapse on me.
I'm back in that place now. Medical bills from my experience in June. I've avoided them, haven't even opened them because how in the hell am I going to pay for it? I make peanuts, almost literally peanuts, and there just isn't anything left to pay for all this. Which is bad enough. Then tack on the stress of remembering how all those bills came out. How horrible and rude they all were, how much of a second class citizen I was made to feel like. All touchy feeley quotes aside, people can make you feel like you are less than nothing. Having those in the medical field do it, when you are in need of their help is salting wounds. So I'm angry every time I get one of those bills I am angry and frustrated and scared and overwhelmed. They don't teach you how to deal with any of this. Like I feel like someone dropped the ball and screwed up but is it worth trying to sue them? Do I have a case? Do I even want to bother or do I just want to shut up and try to figure out how to pay the bills so I can put it all behind me? If I decide to talk to a lawyer and they say yup you've got a case, then what? Do I really want to remember it all, and have to share it all over again? I try to make it seem like it was a life affirming experience but let's be honest, I died. My heart stopped and they had to thump my chest to get me back. Do I want to tell a room full of strangers (what's different about spilling it on the net? well I don't think I have a massive following and those that are possibly reading, they are/were friends so...) but a room full of strangers who are judging me, deciding if I'm telling the truth, did the doctors really screw up? Maybe I was just difficult and asking the impossible?
So, tomorrow I have to pull on my big girl panties and do things I've never done, tried to set up ways to pay bills. And I'll cry and it'll be ugly and depressing and awful because it means I'm paying them for the privilege of still being alive. God I just want to hide and make it all go away. This is how I handle most things in my life though. Hide or run away. Now the definition of insanity is doing the same thing the same way over and over again but expecting a different outcome. So I know that what I've been doing my whole life isn't working but I seem incapable of changing it. And I don't understand why. Who do I talk to that can explain to me why I do this? In the past few months I would have turned to a friend but that is no longer an option. It's time I learned to stand on my own feet, and I don't know if I can and I don't know how. How can I be 40 and not know how to do these things?
My mental talk isn't helping, all I keep thinking is I don't know how. Which defeats before I even start, I know. I will learn. This too I shall survive. Dammit I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to thrive. I want to have a life and feel like I'm living it. Instead of this weird shell life I've created. How? How do I begin? How do I make strangers understand why I've avoided dealing with all this crap? How can I make people care and show compassion when it's not their job and they hear other people's sob stories all day long? How do I dig out of this hole? How do I move forward? Why I am I stuck here? Where are all the answers?
Who do I even ask for answers from?
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year
It's 2013, has been January 1st for about 17 minutes. YAY! I have a great feeling about this year. I have plans for this year.
I'm already off to a great start. One of my plans is to write here at least three times a week. One under my belt without too much pain.
I have actually already started my 'this year will be different' stuff. I started a couple nights ago, I started a batch of Limoncello, because I've always wanted to make it. Always is now. Tomorrow I will be making homemade peppermint marshmallows to go with the cocoa mix I put together. These things will be Epiphany gifts. January 6th is right around the corner. Next year I want to have an Epiphany party. That's a goal that I'm setting down now. I made the cute little chocolate mice for Christmas too. They got devoured, it was beautiful. Sadly I didn't take pictures of the candy platter, I should have, I also made some stained glass window candy. I believe I will whip up another batch tomorrow (Epiphany is coming...yeah!) and I will take pictures to share. I did take pictures of the Limoncello though, and I will take more when the next phase begins. And of course of the finished product. Gotta find little bottles to put it in.
Tonight I thought I'd do a nibbling kinda night, though it didn't work out to be one. Mostly cause my mom's teeth are bugging her, Bug only ate the pizza, and well I wasn't all that hungry. But I made Hoagie dip, which is actually more of a spread that goes pretty good with Ritz crackers. I also made the Ranch Cheesey dip that I made at Thanksgiving, a double batch this time, hopefully my cousin won't scarf it all down before I get more of it. I also made a pizza, like at Thanksgiving. Oh and I oven roasted some cabbage, which was pretty damn tasty and I will be making it again, and again.
So I've set myself up for success already this year, by doing instead of just saving for another day. Being active and proactive instead of passive. 2013 is gonna be a great year.
I'm already off to a great start. One of my plans is to write here at least three times a week. One under my belt without too much pain.
I have actually already started my 'this year will be different' stuff. I started a couple nights ago, I started a batch of Limoncello, because I've always wanted to make it. Always is now. Tomorrow I will be making homemade peppermint marshmallows to go with the cocoa mix I put together. These things will be Epiphany gifts. January 6th is right around the corner. Next year I want to have an Epiphany party. That's a goal that I'm setting down now. I made the cute little chocolate mice for Christmas too. They got devoured, it was beautiful. Sadly I didn't take pictures of the candy platter, I should have, I also made some stained glass window candy. I believe I will whip up another batch tomorrow (Epiphany is coming...yeah!) and I will take pictures to share. I did take pictures of the Limoncello though, and I will take more when the next phase begins. And of course of the finished product. Gotta find little bottles to put it in.
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| Zest of 10 Lemons, and so you know, I saved those lemons for other uses, they are still hanging out fresh and happy in the fridge! |
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| Lemons and Vodka |
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| Close up of Lemons and Vodka |
Tonight I thought I'd do a nibbling kinda night, though it didn't work out to be one. Mostly cause my mom's teeth are bugging her, Bug only ate the pizza, and well I wasn't all that hungry. But I made Hoagie dip, which is actually more of a spread that goes pretty good with Ritz crackers. I also made the Ranch Cheesey dip that I made at Thanksgiving, a double batch this time, hopefully my cousin won't scarf it all down before I get more of it. I also made a pizza, like at Thanksgiving. Oh and I oven roasted some cabbage, which was pretty damn tasty and I will be making it again, and again.
So I've set myself up for success already this year, by doing instead of just saving for another day. Being active and proactive instead of passive. 2013 is gonna be a great year.
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